Yard Rolling (and Other Evil Things)

[Because some of you just don’t understand how to take a joke, I feel compelled to preface with this disclaimer. THIS BLOG IS PURE COMEDY. NOT ONE PART OF THIS POST, NO MATTER HOW TRUTHFUL IT MAY SEEM, ACCURATELY REFLECTS MY VIEWS ON THE TOPIC AT HAD. IT IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. I rather enjoy viewing groups of teenager’s rolling masterpieces.]

Rolling? Really? You wasteful, rebellious, vandalism morons! You go buy hundreds of rolls of toilet paper and proceed to trespass on people’s property, launch the paper higher than anyone with or without a forklift can reach, and vandalize their personal possessions.

If I may be so bold, the only thing you are helping is the toilet paper industry. I’m sure the makers of huge packs of cheap, one-ply toilet paper that snaps at the slightest tug just love the bonus to their paychecks they receive in football homecoming season. While I’m at it, I’m sure you are just working wonders for the environment by endorsing thousands of trees to be cut down to satisfy your own teenage, risk-taking desires.

Do you know how many residents of third-world countries would LOVE to wipe their butts with all that toilet paper you waste? Why don’t you go try to roll a house in, say, Zambia or India? My guess is that if you did that, the only place they would want you to go rolling is in a police car headed to jail!

Rolling is evil! Therefore, you are evil!

Let it snow. Haha. 🙂

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Matthew Estes

Matthew Estes currently exists in the ether between graudate student and full-time worker. One day he hopes to be a full-time novelist and blogger, but until that day comes he spends his time playing video games, eating pizza, and being with his soon-to-be wife. However, he has yet to do all three at the same time. Bucket list stuff, you know.