A Life of Transition

I’ve had 6 non-serious articles in a row. It’s time the bottom fell out.

A transitioning life is a tough life. Right now, many changes are on the horizon. The interesting thing is, it seems everyone in my relationship circles are also facing change. My girlfriend will soon be graduating and going away to college. My parents are contemplating many different kinds of career tweaks. The people I knew as friends have scattered across the world. And me…

I want something more. I am at the point where I want to take the identity God has graciously given me and take it to new horizons. I am ready and willing to turn the page in my life, but do I have the courage? Many emotions cling on to these places I’ve known all of my life like the final hints of summer as fall and winter desperately try to take over in the midst of October.

Somewhere, someday, I promise myself and God I’ll come to the point where I’ll exude the joy and contentment Paul treasures in Philippians chapter 4. Here I am, and I think I may finally be ready to gather up the fragments of my wits and courage and poor excuses for knowledge and become the man God means for me to be.

But I, like all but the most amazing of people, am a coward when it comes to change. I feel like the deepest part of my heart is just not convinced that the God I know I love has my best interests in mind. I’m scared of change. 

And maybe that, beyond all of the superficial sin and feigning attempts at monetary self-interests, is why I find it such a struggle to “carry my cross.” Denying myself may mean I have to give up what I love, even if that love is pure and deep. Even if that love is for a person…

I don’t have many close relationships, but the ones I do are so very valuable. They keep me, many times, from becoming the man I get glimpses of when I’m really scared or angry, or the man I catch glimpses of when I lie in bed in the darkness, unable to sleep. Can I in my humanity, afford to lose those relationships? No. But can I, in my donated holiness, afford to lose those relationships? It turns out I may have to, but that’s okay, because my  relationship with my God is strongest of all.

I am willing, God, to do your will. But I pray for mercy…
I am a broken and poor excuse for a man, but I pray you use me for your glory.

Comments

comments

Matthew Estes

Matthew Estes currently exists in the ether between graudate student and full-time worker. One day he hopes to be a full-time novelist and blogger, but until that day comes he spends his time playing video games, eating pizza, and being with his soon-to-be wife. However, he has yet to do all three at the same time. Bucket list stuff, you know.