Some Nights (Paper-Thin Purpose)

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“Some Nights” by Fun is one of my favorite songs. It can be described in one word. Heady. It is one of the rare songs that became popular because it actually has purpose and meaning.

Why, you ask, am I promoting a song that is pretty clearly a struggle to find a purpose in this life? Well, because it’s a song that’s a struggle to find a purpose in this life. One of the most grating things a person has to go through is one’s struggle between one’s inherent thoughts and conclusions versus the foregone conclusions that have been thrusted upon a person from the people that one is closest to.

What I’m saying ultimately is that there is a place of angst in each of our minds where all of our doubts and fears exist and fight with our conscious mind. This is especially potent for a person of faith like me, who seems to constantly doubt not only whether the God I claim to love is real, but also if the moral battleground I stand on is even worth the fight. 

But this song is the personification of my war between God, myself, and Satan. Because there are “some nights” when I am this close to just saying “to heck with this” and then going and enjoying my life. Going and enjoying sex and drinking and the pleasures in this world. There are days when my life’s “purpose” seems paper thin. What is the point of worshiping a God that sometimes my mind is not even convinced is even real?

As a line in the song says
“When I see stars, that’s all they are.
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on.”

But something always holds my back like a safety net from that point. And I don’t think it’s fear, and I don’t think it’s my parents, and I don’t think it’s my concern for the future. I think it’s God. I think I’m truly so secure as a child of God, that even in my lowest of lows I can believe. I can carry on in my faith, and I think that that faith is just enough to keep me from joining the masses of an unbelieving world. And what’s more, I think that the depths of these dark dark doubts will ultimately make me stronger. 

God has to perform surgery on my humanity (as opposed to my holiness). And in some eternity in the presence of perfection, I will thank God for putting me through this. 

But still…
“Some nights I wish that this all would end.
‘Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I’m scared you’ll forget me again…”

[Photography by Tiea Martin]

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Matthew Estes

Matthew Estes currently exists in the ether between graudate student and full-time worker. One day he hopes to be a full-time novelist and blogger, but until that day comes he spends his time playing video games, eating pizza, and being with his soon-to-be wife. However, he has yet to do all three at the same time. Bucket list stuff, you know.