Reasons Deer Should Stay Out of the Road

deer

Dear Deer,

In that today is a day of which I was greeted in a manner I feel is not conducive of the common respect shared by the inhabitants of Planet Earth, I feel I must compose a series of reasons demanding that you keep from passing on or in close proximity to our transportation roadways. I am hopeful this list will reach your government and demand consideration into the formation of laws deterring such activities as loitering near highways.

The following is a list of considerations I hope you collectively consider strongly. 

You belong in the woods. That is where deer as a culture chose to make their home. This is opposed to roads, where humans typically inhabit along with dead squirrels and opossums. Please respect our territory and keep off of our roads.

Your legs are not optimal for highway travel. Vehicles have wheels, and are designed for bipeds, specifically humans. It would be fruitless and risky for you to attempt roadway travel under these circumstances.

Deer can cause loss of property. It is well known among our culture that you have caused more than a small amount of property damage due to your presence on the roadways. This can occur due to an individual running their vehicle into a tree or even smack into your camouflaged butt.

Deer can cause loss of human life. Likewise, deer can cause actual fatalities among humans. This can be caused by your built in weapons (antlers) breaking through the confines of a vehicle and puncturing a vital organ. It can also occur from a person trying to avoid you, causing a multi-car pile-up. I don’t think anyone wants that.

Deer can cause loss of deer life.  Unfortunately, roadway loitering for deer almost always involves the deaths of at least one deer. This is highly tragic, as deer are far more highly regarded as hunting prey than roadway predator. 

So, please take these considerations and stay the crap out of the road!

Sincerely,
A Link to the Matt
Representative of the Human Race

 

 

 

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Matthew Estes

Matthew Estes currently exists in the ether between graudate student and full-time worker. One day he hopes to be a full-time novelist and blogger, but until that day comes he spends his time playing video games, eating pizza, and being with his soon-to-be wife. However, he has yet to do all three at the same time. Bucket list stuff, you know.