Grey Area Boyfriend Tips: Don’t Share Your Food

Girls have a simple code when it comes to eating:

1. Anything I eat can and will make me fat.
2. Except the food I “share” with my boyfriend.

This is especially apparent when going out to eat at a restaurant. Have you ever noticed how your girlfriend takes about a fourth of your fries, eats several “bites” of your sandwich, and drinks several “sips” of your beverage. In limited capacity this can be a great relationship building experience, perhaps even romantic. You get to share in the mutual relationship emotions of tasting good food, and girls get to eat food with no calories or fat.

However, there are many guys who don’t like being, you know, hungry. Or, like me, they’re germophobic.

Now, I don’t condone manipulation in relationships. Covert behavior leads to a trail of dishonesty and lies, which destroys amazing friendships. It breaks down communication. But, well, that doesn’t mean a little bit of strategy can’t be a good thing.

Here’s how to avoid letting your girlfriend steal your food. Also note that, girls, this works the EXACT same way for you if your boyfriend likes to eat your food. I’m just a guy, so this is my perspective.

Know your girlfriend. In the early months of your relationship, you found out what your girlfriend’s favorite foods are. You’ll also know what foods she hates. Use that knowledge to your advantage.

Develop special tastes. Two people cannot have identical tastes. Try new things. Acquire a taste for oysters, corned beef, or root beer. You may find you love some unusual things.

Order things that oppose her tastes. While she plays it safe when at a restaurant, go for something different. For example, when I don’t want to share, I’ll order a Reuben. I love the sour taste, but she can’t stand it. I love the deep taste of root beer, but she hates it.

Make things difficult to share. The messier, the better. Things she can’t pick up with her hands are the best. Avoid fries, onion rings, or mini-sandwiches. Even go for things that mess up when approaching with a fork, like rice or noodles. She may go for one or two stabs, but will give up soon enough.

Disguise self-interest as kindness. Finally, this one is a little sneaky. It is well known that girls have to go to the bathroom often. While she’s gone, flag down a server and order her a drink that matches yours. This will let her have her own, and she’ll no longer be interested in yours.

You can still be a great boyfriend and have a good time. But sometimes you just don’t want to share your food. There’s nothing wrong with that.

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Matthew Estes

Matthew Estes currently exists in the ether between graudate student and full-time worker. One day he hopes to be a full-time novelist and blogger, but until that day comes he spends his time playing video games, eating pizza, and being with his soon-to-be wife. However, he has yet to do all three at the same time. Bucket list stuff, you know.